Matt Geller

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Her: But he's clever

Me: I'm holding out for someone who's clever and not an asshole.

Her: I'm holding out for a prince and a castle.

Me: One of us is going to be disappointed, and I think it's going to be me.

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I want to go to the beach.

But all my friends are white and got sunburned yesterday.

So they “can’t” go today.

I need some friends who aren’t...

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i had a two mojito lunch

a) somehow got drunk at 3 pm.

b) what do normal adult humans do on days off? is “get drunk at 3 pm” not standard operating...

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I’ve conquered my crippling fear of public use coffee grinders. You know the ones, the machines in Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods into which you pour...

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But you can't.

The conversation tonight went from So-and-So, who wants to set me up with a friend who’s an actor (at which point we both raised our...

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